Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner.
It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally
high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick
downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds
like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will
know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will
be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its
power more from being amplified than from the fart itself.
A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So
will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin
roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong
through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified
Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions. For example, if
you're sitting on an empty 55-gallon steel drum.
The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is
back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A
person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later
farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart.
Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only
in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The
Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise
as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its
foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves
around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying,
"Who farted in the back seat?"
Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful
in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get
up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds
talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly
the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight
notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their
life know one fart from another, who would like to act
like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub
Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can
see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can
be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as
to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location
is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong
and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and
a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends
somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the
tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the
funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one
of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the
great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just
by its name. This can either be a group one or a group
two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it
one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high
school auditorium one night, right in that silence that
happens when a room full of people has stopped singing
the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the
back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it.
A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic
characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it
size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like
popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or
asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never
have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among
your most serious farter's.
The Bitburr: Sounds like just that--you're walking and the initial explosion "BIT!--" during one step is followed by a more gentle release of the rest of the volume during the next step: "brrrrrr..."
Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic
characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot.
The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can
startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following
the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified
by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while
the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger
who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell
a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around
longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance
to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency
brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know
who farted. A common automobile fart.
The Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group
two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart.
A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying
to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut.
It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier
farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time.
It is a desperation fart and not too common.
The Celestial Fart - Not to be confused with the
Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart
in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising
in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all
farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very
shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of
the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with
no odor at all. Very rare.
The Chicken Soup Fart: One day I had chicken soup for lunch at work and then stopped off at the gym after work. When it came on, I eased it out, covered by the gym's muzak. It smelled exactly like chicken soup. A few feet away some woman sniffed and said; "Is somebody cooking?" I had to turn to the wall to hide my laughter.
The Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional
multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety
of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think
it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go.
In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
Command Fart - This fart differs from the Anticipated
Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting
for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it
is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held
a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and
let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there
were any questions.
Common Fart - This fart needs little description.
It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is
to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing
this far any further.
The Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished
by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a
few people look around. The trick here is not to identify
the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless
the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts
staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something
up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one.
Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful.
The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl.
They will squirm and push their butt way down into the
cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out
a fart very carefully without moving then or for some
time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much.
Common with some people.
The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud
fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention
by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For
fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to
watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all.
It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly
a group one identification fart, because there is no real
way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected
to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified.
It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the
rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart
that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first
tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like
G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and
pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is
the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and
L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing
of all farts, even when you are alone.
Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it
is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur,
for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a
fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only
a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just
something that happens to smell like a fart.
Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's
fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough,
sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady
farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her
chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well."
There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is
probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who
smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you
missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading
away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the
jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart.
John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary
fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification,
with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If
it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he
will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds
like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some
cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for
the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed
altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think?
And never guess.
Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic
and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly
like malted milk balls. No other food works this way.
It is rare.
Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and
dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like
a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you
should ever encounter it, however, you may first want
to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo
Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will
not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and
head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay
Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut
Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking
about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If
he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you
noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells.
It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is
no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks
Quiver Fart - A group one identification fart only.
When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the
Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the
Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by
its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening
of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator
alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic
about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting
fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable
to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of
him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at
least fifteen seconds.
Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this
one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that
you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow,
what a relief." Very common.
Reluctant Fart - This is probably one of the oldest
farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that
seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression
that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it
is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some
Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost
impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky
sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if
it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled.
It sounds like a fart that hurts.
S.B.D. Fart - S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly.
This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists.
No problem of identification with this one.
Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it
may not amount to much. You should remember that if you
reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass
The Shower Fart: These are a lot worse than bathtub farts, due to conditions of humidity and heat. George Carlin once said that you can tolerate the smell of your own farts, but shower farts are the exception to that rule.
Skillsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates
the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It
sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece
of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
The Snart: This is a fart that you succeed in suppressing so as not to not to offend, but then a sneeze jars it loose.
Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this
fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In
The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake
the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous.
No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows.
A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit
or blow his crazy head off.
Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists.
It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not
be called a fart at all.
Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny,
this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem
to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW!
It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways,
as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
Taco Bell Fart - The Taco Bell Fart is far richer
and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes
longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But
it will get there. And it will hang around after, too.
Even on a windy day.
Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain
at all. A very good fart in situations where you would
rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone
and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will
Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten
fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank
God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!
Tickle Fart - A group one only and one of the easiest
to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you
like being tickled this is the fart for you!
Other Names For Farts
after dinner mint
anal escape of wind
Arkansas barking spiders
back end blow out
bologna sandwich essence
brown speckled mallard
buck snort or bucksnort
bum and flutter
burp that went astray
burp that comes out the wrong end
butt cheek squeak
can o' chedder
case of swamp ass
essence of Emeril
explosion between the cheeks
extreme fumagatory essence
fat lady delight
fire in the hole
fly breaking the sound barrier
General Colon Bowel barking commands
hole in the wall gang
the leather cheerio bark
low flying geese
low flying jets
massive vapor of butt gas
message from the interior
Missouri mud ducks
the nether belch
poop without the mess
the scented scream
shit without the mess
silent but deadly
silent but violent
silent depth charge
some asshole behind you talking shit
stench of death
terminal velocity flatulence
three tone fart
thunder in the buns
triple flutter blaster
triple thunder flutter
voice of the toothless one
bake breeze biscuits
bend a valve
Beep your horn
Blast the chair
blow a fart
blow a gasket
Blow the big brown horn
blow the sparkplugs
break the seam
clear one's throat
cleft a boofer
couper le fromage
cut a gasser
cut a melon
cut the cheese
cut the provolone
Cut a stinker
Cut the wind
draw mud from the bottom of the pond
Drop a bomb
drop a cookie
drop a fart
drop a ringo
drop a rose
drop one's guts
emit a fart
fart like a popcorn machine
float an air biscuit
Gaseous intestinal by-products
get expelled from stool
he o koita
here comes Freddie
kill the canary
launch a wifter
lay a fart
lay a jellybean
Let a Beefer
Let each little bean be heard
let a windy
let fly a fart
let Freddie out of jail
make a stink
make some underleg noise
Mating call of the barking spider
Mexican jet propulsion
pollute the atmosphere
Puff, the Magic Dragon!
queimar a bota
Rebuild the ozone layer one poof at a time
refine shit particles
release intestinal gases
Release a tree monkey from captivity
rip the canvas
roar from the rear
shit the bed
Shoot the cannon
sink my battleship
sneeze in one's pants
spill one's guts
split the seam
start a Harley
start the engine
step on a duck
step on a frog
step on a fart snake
stink out loud
stomp on the barking spider
strip a gear
Toot your own horn
To speak German